Tiring day...

Went to Orchard with my friends today, just notice that I spent $30 plus on food today ! Went to Giordano to find my world without stranger shirt (the bunny design) but don't have, seems like I'm not fated to get that shirt.

Life have been a bored recently, nothing to do since it's holiday, but my holiday only starts at 2nd September, after my maths paper. For some reasons, I think that even if I pass the paper, overall, I will still fail bah... but will try my best to understand and apply the formulae within this 2 days. Went through lots of trouble to get to retake the paper. Now I don't have clues on what questions will be comming out for the paper, sian...

Saw my ex-colleagues today also while walking at Orchard, they have moved on with their lives but in one way or another, I'm still stuck there yet I have advance (maybe not as much as I wanted).

Here's a few number of things I want to do during the holiday:

• Run at least 3 time/week or if possible, everyday
• Read books (not chapters, but the whole book)
• Try to connect with my inner ''self''
• Establish a stable time to sleep (time table of some sort)
• Clear my room of rubbish that is stored in my room (maybe rearrangement too)
• Sing higher notes and voice control

This should keep my busy for awhile, if I can discipline myself to do this. Maybe will add-on to this list if anything comes to my mind. Revising maths tomorrow... Zzz... time to sleep...

Free at last...

Finally, have finish taking the exam for this semester and it's holiday already. Was stucked in school for about 3 hours before going home, because it's raining. Today's paper is an okay okay one. After reaching home, I fall asleep and woke up at around 9 plus but I'm still feeling a bit tired/sleepy for some reasons.

Recently is listening to some songs by Southern All Stars, a Japanese band that has been around for 30 years and recently release an single titled '' I am your singer" for the 30th year anniversary. The lead singer is Keisuke Kuwata, an interesting old man; nice voice and the songs is rather melodious and rhythmic, sort of old school Japanese songs.

Peace is not certainly not at home especially on the 26th. All I can say is "Opps, I did it again" Lol. Sort of having a war but I would say it is a one-sided one, because I have a very good-temper. All I do is sit there eat my noodle while my aunt yells at me with some banging and stuff also.

Hahas. All I can say that for so many years no one has manage to piss me off yet and people are welcome to try. But don't say that I didn't warn you, those out there who want to try this, you may regret your choice though, hahas.

That's all for now, going to sleeping and need to start planning for my holiday...

Time flies...

Time sure pass by pretty quickly this year, almost 2/3 of the year is over. Pretty soon will be my holiday. I must find something to do, not letting my holiday go to waste. Maybe learn something new or find something meaningful to do?

1 more paper to go and I'm free ! Went to Bugis with my friend yesterday and manage to buy a cross earring, a plain and simple one. Somehow cross is one of the thing I like the most now. Maybe because of the meaning and terms related to it. Also saw some stars earring but it's not as tempting as the cross, maybe because of the design? Looking for BIG star instead of some small one, hahas.

Micro A will be the last paper and it's not going to be easy for sure. Definitely need to start early compare to chemistry. Lots of facts and diagrams to remember and a lot more alien names that I may need to know. After that I give myself one week or less to plan for my holiday.

I seem to have a really bad habit of looking into the past. I will always think ''where am I during this day of last year and what I'm doing''. Maybe I'm comparing too much but I just don't know which of them is better. Maybe they are good in different ways...

Strange...

Don't know how people will somehow get my email or handphone number then after that chat or message me. Hmmm, do I look like a good comforter or something? I can't figure it out. Somehow I am able to comfort/assure others but I can't do that to myself. Why? Because I am able to see things from a different prospective in other's situation but not mine?

Today someone added me in my Msn and I decided to check her out. And I also learn a new word from her today called ''Pondan'', which she told me it means transvestite. Of all the word, why this one? Lol, because she asked me if I'm one after viewing my friendster profile, interesting I would say. Maybe I should take picture that shows more of my 'man' side? Hahas.

After all, curious people always attract me. Trying to know how they think or view certain object/subject.

The next question she asked is "what is masturbate?" -.-'''

But I'm glad that she asked, if not her young mind will be corrupted by the people that wanted to call her for that purpose. And I somehow many to pass her the message and everything is fine. I wonder why people do this kind of stuff? Calling someone and then masturbate to his/her voice... what's so high about that? This kind of people sure have some problem with their head. I don't think those people have even think how they would affect someone by doing that.

If they really need to release stress or something their's always more than one alternative. Look for something else to do, other than corrupting the minds of the young one, especially young girls. I can't stand this kind of person.

Anyway, went to meet with my secondary school friend as he's back from overseas, I think a study break. And he also grow his hair long, lol... shorter than mine, of cause. Went to lanshop with them and played for awhile. And I noticed how kids younger than me is scolding vulgarities like water, so smooth flowing. But I guess its a norm already.

Haven started revising on my inorganic chemistry... opps!

Must finish it by tomorrow...

2 down, 2 to go...

Happiness...

Was watching the Oprah show in the afternoon and they are discussing about How happy are you? and I thought it was interesting. What I remember is a statement made by the psychologist they invited, and he said: ''you can't pursue happiness, it's from within us''. This set me thinking, how do I tap into this happiness if it's within us? One of the criteria listed was purpose and instantly I know that's one thing I lack of.

Even since I entered poly last year, I have been seeking for my purpose in life. After more than a year had passed and I'm still seeking for my purpose. I remember once someone asked me what I want to be in the future? And I don't have an answer for that even till now. I have been living for the moment for too long. I'm someone that go along with the flow, maybe too much with the flow that I'll let nature take it course for me.

Happiness is something that I want or should I say joy is what I want. Tapping into it is hard, maybe I need to start recalling from the very beginning to see if their's any joy in me. Anyway, today is another okay day, nothing special. Hope that I can find my own path in this darkness...

Unbelievable...

Today was a rather okay day. Went to school for my exam and I think I should be able to pass. The exam venue was a bit sucky for me, but I don't know how to describe it. 2 more papers to go and I'm done with this semester. This semester is not as fruitful as I wanted it to be, but I'll try to make it up during the second semester if possible.

Anyway, after exam, me and my classmates stayed back and eat and discuss about the paper. It was then that I realised that how isolated/separate I am from the class. Maybe I don't have a lot of common interest with them? Just sense a gap with them, verbally and mentally. Guess that I will try to improve on this situation if possible.

Went for a run in the evening and I lost my hairband ! Although it's just a hairband, but it has been with me for quite sometimes, so I got feeling for it, hahas. So, this left me no choice but to tied my hair, and it attracted a lot of attention! Hahas! Maybe because the way I look? Weird perhaps? I got no idea also.

Seems like a guy going into a bra-shop is weird enough for people, some more a guy with long hair? Attracted some attention from there also. Lol, guess that people still can't accept the more 'abnormal' people like me. But slowly they will, cause I won't give up on that.

Recently, I got to know a Korean band called 'super junior' via TV. It consists of 13 guys and this particular guy attracted my attention, his name? Kim Hee Chul. He's so versatile and stylish.

Like his hair also, especially the tail ! This inspire me to grow my hair even longer. To my surprise, I also discovered how feminine this guy can be.

From this...

To this...

Shocked? I am, definitely. This is so unbelievable! That's why I say he's versatile, to be able to get in touch with his feminine side to this level. Hahas, maybe it's a bit extreme for me to go and I don't think I can make it also. His ability to look so man and feminine at different times is so astonishing, I doubt I can do that. Lol, maybe I should give this a try? Hahas. I will definitely scope on this guy for quite awhile for some fashion and hairstyle ideas for myself. :P

Next paper, Inorganic chemistry, need to chiong again.. maybe tomorrow bah...

Finally...

Started to study for my physical chemistry, and the exam is hours from now. Still have about 2 to 3 topic to cover and I'm done. But I think that I will go through again if possible, maybe a brief one.

Things have been okay today, everything went rather smoothly. Hope that I can keep this momentum going for my other papers. Expecting my poly-mates will ask where I disappear to recently. Tomorrow paper is at the afternoon, hope I won't miss it by any chance, hahas.

Friends has been an important part of my life, maybe even more important than my family, but I'm trying to balance things out although I know that quite impossible for me given my personality. Have always been more open to my friends than to my family for some reasons. Just could not click with them.

Enough of talking... time to go back to my revision... maybe after a short nap !

Emptiness...

That's what I feel today. That deep hollow feeling, yet it seems that something is stuck there, I can't describe it. Haven start my revision even though the exam is on the 21st . Just doesn't want to do anything today and I can summarise my day in 3 words; eat, sleep and bathe.

Woke up today with a big headache which subsided around evening, I suspect it was the shot of sake I drank yesterday. For some reasons, there's always an urge that's asking me to smoke or should I say it's always in the back of my mind? But it's okay, I still have control over certain aspects of my life.

One of these days, I think I will be going to the coast, to regain some control over myself. Come to think of it, it's not me that's fighting the urge but I'm just so not motivated to do anything.

The past seems to be tempting me; leading a carefree and purpose-driven life like I used to have in 2007. Although not everyone will agree with me on this sentence, but I feel this it is one of the 'golden' year I lived, maybe the only one so far.

It was last year that I got a feeling that throughout my life, I will be influenced or affected greatly by 3 lady, and I'm pretty sure that at least 1, if not 2 of them already appeared. I'm not sure how true is this,but that's the message I've got. Laugh if you want, if you think this may sound dumb or something but I know that it may have a certain truth in it. After all, all I can do is wait and see.

Study is what I need to do tomorrow, even if I have to force myself, if not I'll fail for sure. Hope that I can fight the temptations that may rise up that will stop me for achieving this. Got a wish that pop-up not very long ago, that is not to celebrate my birthday at least for this year, maybe I just want to pass it peacefully. I don't know...

The past still haunts...

Yes, this is true even till now. Just when I thought I had completely forgotten about the past... only to discover it hiding in a corner of my mind which is unbeknown st to myself . When I'm at my lowest, you are the one that call and let me know that I exist and is not forgotten. It's been awhile since a major problem arise, and somehow it just seems to relate me to the past; dwelling in the past and forgetting about my current problem.

Still remember you are the first to call me after I was suspended from work and wandering around Toa Payoh, concerning about my future and offer to meet me after work. I guess this is the only few times I felt care and concern been showered onto me for a very long time. Just like in the past, I will hold back my tears, smiling and laughing as if nothing happened. Although I'm smiling, I'm not happy.

Even though a part of me wanted to go home, I started walking aimlessly around Central and began reminiscing, how it all started, trying to get a feel of it, maybe trying to comfort myself.
Sometimes I wish that I don't want to know too much, but I know it's impossible. Maybe I'm deluding myself too often than not?

Exam is here and I haven even started my revision. Guess that studies is still not my top priority yet (even though I know it should). Never have I regret the choices I've made in life (even the bad ones), as each of them contributed to the molding of me. Seeking for that very thing which I know will have a great impact on me and my future.

All the past I remembered, it's all good memories. As contradictory as it sounds, after reminiscing, I discover that I changed a lot yet I still remains the same.

For me, past is something like a DNA sequence, contributing to us in ways we may not know. And I believe each of them has it's very own function; waiting to be deciphered.

Patti Labelle - The voice inside my heart

Walking underneath the moonlit sky
I'm alone tonight
Every stranger that i pass is stranger than the last
I leave them all behind

Nothing they say can turn me away
I keep going, cause i know
You are the voice inside my heart
I always hear, reminding me
What matters in this life

Like an angel, I can see your face
Right before my eyes
Yes, I can almost read your thoughts
And that's what keeps me breathing and believing we are alright

I don't know when I will see you again
But your with me,your forever be
The voice inside my heart
I always knew reminding me
Whats matters in this life

Whenever we're apart
I think of you and listen to
The voice inside my heart
Stay with me, whisper in my ear
You and I will always be together
Forever, your the voice inside my heart

My guiding light, what matters in this life
Whenever we're apart
I think of you and listen to the voice inside my heart
No matter where you are
I am with you, yours always here
The voice inside my heart

The voice inside my heart